


Dear Hamuko

by lampsabout



Series: A Poem For Everyone’s Souls [1]
Category: Persona 3
Genre: Death, Existentialism, F/F, If you've finished P3 then you get the jist, Post-Canon, Self-Identity issues, and i cried xoxo, letter format, the major character death isnt IN the fic but its heavily referred to, writing this while listening to memories of you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 07:09:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27129721
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lampsabout/pseuds/lampsabout
Summary: I was at Paulownia Mall recently. I was walking by the fountain, trying to remind myself why I decided to come here in the first place. And, despite myself, despite my mind telling me that you were never coming back, I thought I saw you. Brown hair, red eyes, headphones loose around your neck, and that smile…I turned around and called your name. But all I did was confuse a group of high schoolers. I do not know how or why that happened. I asked Yukari-san about the incident, but she just told me that that could happen to people. She told me my mind wanted to think about you, that I longed to see you so badly that my mind pretended you were there with me.
Relationships: Aigis/Arisato Minako
Series: A Poem For Everyone’s Souls [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1986283
Comments: 2
Kudos: 28





	Dear Hamuko

**Dear Hamuko,**

**How are you today? I’m doing well. My body is performing at peak capability. I’ve had very little issue with my physical condition. My diagnostics report has reported no rips, damages, or physical wear-and-tear to my outer chassis, and no rust or mechanical defects have been detected. However, despite the lack of physical distress, I’ve still been...unwell. My chest has been hurting, but there is no visible injury, and repeated tests have shown no evidence of damage.**

**I am still new at human emotion. I, along with the others, have been experiencing what Mitsuru-senpai referred to as “grief”. I am familiar with what that means, “The response to loss, particularly to the loss of someone or something that has died, to which a bond or affection was formed.”. That definition seems quite simple, doesn’t it? It’s very easy to encapsulate the feeling into a sentence. But I am not sure if the widely accepted definition of the term “grief” is quite accurate now.**

**A definition is the meaning of a term. My memory bank has long since worked off of simple definitions of terms and broad concepts. I was never programmed with the capacity to understand ideas or objects past a widely agreed upon use or understanding. But what I feel is much more complicated.**

**You are gone. That is a simple fact. The variable, “Hamuko Arisato” has ceased to exist. This should be easy for me to process, shouldn’t it? I want to process it. But the idea that your smile, your existence, your laugh, no longer exist in this world...it scares me. It hurts me.**

**A concept cannot hurt you. A concept cannot bring you pain. A concept cannot cause any physical distress. But still, the distinct lack of...** **_you_ ** **hurts me. You were one of the first people I ever met. You have remained in my memory banks since that moment. Even after I forgot my fight with death, I still remembered you. And I still remember you now. I remember the way you smile. The way you would laugh. The way your happiness would spread, the way your presence would cause my processing system to work overtime. And I remember your frown. Your tears, the way you would feel pain and hurt so harshly.**

**And while these memories, both good and bad, keep you with me in a way, they also hurt. I smile at the thought of your grin, but that smile fades when I remember I will never see your face again. My memory is photographic. It works as any data bank should. I will never forget the way you look, the way you would look at me. I could see you at any time I wanted. I could replace my eyesight with your appearance whenever I wanted, but it will never be the same, will it? I will never see your tears in your eyes. I will never see your laugh come from your mouth. I will never see you in person. Why does this hurt me? I have every moment I spent with you right at my fingertips. So how come the fact that I will never make new memories with you feel so bad?**

**It would be easier if I were to forget you. If I could simply wash away my pain and my suffering, if I could just erase all the grief I feel when I think of you. I have thought about doing it many times. But never have I gone through with it. I could never, ever bring myself to erase those sweet memories of you.**

**My processing system has been at war with this indecision. If I wish to be performing at 100% capacity, I should delete these memories. But still I cannot. I do not even dare to erase my thoughts of you. To quote Ken-san’s imitation of a robot, the process “does not compute” with my internal system.**

**I have heard from various sources, both written and spoken, that the human mind has a tendency to play tricks on itself. This seems like a glaring design flaw, when I view it from the perspective of a machine. A processing unit that can relay untrue information at random with no basis or reasoning behind it? It seems like a bug or a flaw in code.**

**My mind has played tricks on me, though. I was at Paulownia Mall. I wonder if you remember the mall. I do not attend school anymore, as my primary function at Gekkogaun was to watch over you and the others, but I like to return to the mall.**

**My memory banks exist for the sole purpose of recalling previous information and using them to build an action plan for any scenario that could be thrown at me. That is my use as an anti-shadow weapon. But the existence of a memory bank provides a unique side effect. Every moment of my life is recorded. When I go through that mall, my mind causes my thoughts to drift away. Whatever purpose I had for going to that location is replaced with you. Every time, without fail.**

**I was at Paulownia Mall recently. I was walking by the fountain, trying to remind myself why I decided to come here in the first place. And, despite myself, despite my mind telling me that you were never coming back, I thought I saw you. Brown hair, red eyes, headphones loose around your neck, and that smile…**

**I turned around and called your name. But all I did was confuse a group of high schoolers. I do not know how or why that happened. I asked Yukari-san about the incident, but she just told me that that could happen to people. She told me my mind wanted to think about you, that I longed to see you so badly that my mind pretended you were there with me.**

**I do not know how people do it. How humankind has lived like this for time immemorial. You have been gone for one year. Exactly 365 days have passed since you left us, Hamuko. I have formed a strange connection with this date. March 5th.**

**For all of my years since my activation, I thought of March 5th as a random day. It was the day that followed March 4th, and the day that came before March 6th. But ever since you fell asleep in my arms that day...and I shed tears for the first time in my life, March 5th was warped in a way. March 5th now stands out in my mind as a day that I will always remember. My thoughts have been consumed by you and only you today. That is why I am writing this letter. Logically, I know that you will not receive the letter I am writing. I understand that you will not read this letter. I am aware that you are dead. I understand that you closed your eyes for the last time in my arms, exactly one year ago today. I do not know why I am writing this. I do not know why I addressed this to you. Perhaps my brain is playing tricks on me again, as Yukari-san told me. Perhaps I long to see you so much that I believe, somehow, you will read this letter. I know that that is nonsense. I know that that is impossible. So why? Why am I exerting energy to write this inefficient letter? This letter will never reach its destination? Why?**

**I cannot tell myself. I cannot answer that question. I cannot tell myself why I feel this way, why I hurt this way. I know, I know deep down that it is because you are gone. I know that my life will never be whole again now that you are not a part of it. It is illogical and unnecessary of me. I am sorry. I am so sorry that I could not do more for you. That I could not save you somehow. That…**

**Ah. I am crying. I’m...crying. I was not programmed to do that. I was never programmed to cry. So why is it happening? I suppose it’s because I’m sad. But what does that even mean? I am “grieving” you, but even I don’t know what that’s supposed to mean. I am a paradox. I was not built to feel. I was not built to think. I was built to fight. I was built to deduce and hunt. So why? Why do I feel now? Why do I grieve, why do I laugh, why do I cry, why, why, why, why?**

**I know...I know that you would not want me to despair over your passing. I know you would want me to keep living. But it** **_hurts_ ** **so much. My body aches every day over the fact that you aren’t here anymore. What...what have you done to me?**

**I was not built to cry. I was not built to laugh. I was not built to feel, or love, or sing, or dance, or sleep, or eat, or enjoy. I was built to fight and kill and hunt and destroy. Please. Please, just tell me. Just explain to me. Why? Why do I feel this way? Why do I** **_feel?_ **

**I know...I know that deep in a heart that I do not have that it is because of you. Being a part of your life has changed me. Maybe it is the fact that I hold within me your power. You...gifted it to me, is that right? The power of the Wild Card. I awakened to Orpheus some time ago.**

**It is the human aspect of your existence. It is the human love, the human life that was once yours inside of me that is doing this. It is reassuring to me in some way, to know that you are still alive, in a way. That your spirit, your Persona, is alive without the sea of my soul.**

**Perhaps that is why. Perhaps that is why my feelings revolve around you. Because you are now part of me. Because you exist within my being, my thoughts are consumed with you.**

**...No. No, that is not true. Just because I carry your power does not mean it is the sole reason I think of you. It...it is because I loved you. I still do. I love you more than anything else in the world, and now you are gone. I believe I have always loved you. Ever since I saw you again on that beach. My every waking thought has been of nothing but you. It’s...It’s always been you.**

**I won’t forget you. I promise that I won’t forget that feeling I have. The love I hold for you, I will never ever allow myself to erase those memories. I will never forget you. I promise. I will never let go of you. I will never let go.**

**You...you have done so much for us. You sacrificed yourself to save this world. To save everyone. I understand why you did it. And I will never be able to thank you enough. All I can tell you is that...know that I love you. Know that no matter what, I will never stop loving you. I hope...I hope you are getting the rest you deserve. Sleep well, Hamuko.**

**Love,** **  
** **Aigis.**


End file.
